a letter to Ah Gong

Dear Ah Gong,

how have you been? have you got to see Lao Ma and Po po? how about your wish of going back to China? have you been there yet? you must be enjoying your self-brewed tea and puffing your cigarettes.

it has been 10 days since you are gone, and everybody is still adjusting to the lives without you. but you are never really gone, you are still in our hearts, in our thoughts. and you do know that.

for the past 23 years, you have been a doting grandfather. I've never really hear a scolding from you. when I was young, I slept at your place every weeknight because mum and dad had to leave house early for work. you were there, sometimes making breakfast for me. and sometimes you liked to poke fun at me, and making farting sounds to make me laugh. many times I've tried imitating you, but it was never a success. and you would laugh back at me.

you like painting and drawing. I enjoyed playing with the ink, and helped you do the mixing whenever you feel like painting. sometimes I would mess up your table, and you had to the one doing the clearing up. nevertheless, you never stopped me from doing that. small little things that would make a kid entertained.

I like wearing your big silver watch. the Ah Gong's watch on my small wrist. it made me feel like I'm an adult.

I used to go to the market with you. while mum was busy tending the stall, you liked to sit near the parked lorries, and chit-chat with all the uncles there, while I was running up and down the lorries, playing with whatever that amused me. you hardly tell me to sit down quietly, you just let me run about, because you knew I will never go out of your sight.

there was once you had to accompany me to school because I had to go early for supplementary lessons. because I didn't know the way well, we alighted a stop earlier. from there we had to walk a long distance to reach the school. the next day, I received a scolding from mum, because the long walk made your feet ache. I was being stubborn, I refused to apologise, but I felt bad for not knowing how to make you feel better. but you just brushed the issue aside.

you used to play your ye hu (coconut-shell erhu) and that two-stringed lute in the afternoons. I would sit beside you, listen to you playing your Teochew music. I could still remember the tunes. perhaps it was your influence, that I've picked up learning the erhu in secondary school. but you've never hear me play that.

as I grew older, the time spent with you, spent in the house, became less. longer school hours, more activities. but whenever there's a family gathering, we would all be there. I know you like big gatherings. I always look forward to your birthday celebration every year, I know you always look forward to that too. you would always move from table to table, asking everybody to 'eat more'.

when you first got hospitalised, I was so scared. suddenly you just seemed to become so frail overnight. the medicine might have caused you to feel drowsy and hallucinate, you started to mumble, and said that you have cooked porridge and asked me to eat. I was so frightened, so afraid that I would lose you any moment.

thank god you were discharged. I had just graduated then, but I wasn't intending to get a job. taking care of you seemed to be the most important thing at that moment. being the one who is the most educated (by far), I had to learn how to use those machines, and be clear of all your medications. you were too weak to get out of the house, so you did not attend my commencement ceremony. I wanted to get you an extra ticket, so that you could be there, be proud of your eldest grandchild.

the doctor advised you to quit smoking. I know it has been hard on you. how to kick a habit that has been with you for 70-odd years? I'm actually proud of you, that you have managed to cut down to a cigarette a day. it takes a lot of willpower to do so, and you are a strong and tough Ah Gong.

when you got hospitalised again a year later, you told me that you knew it was about time. I hate hearing that coming from you. I even told you that you would still have many more years to come, you would have to wait till I get married, till you get to carry your grand-grandchildren. and you even laughed at me for saying that.

Ah Gong, I'm sorry for not being there with you when you were celebrating Mid-Autumn Festival at home. I totally regretted that.

your last stay in the hospital was the last time I saw you suffer. when you laid there unconscious in ICU, it was really painful to see you like that. I know you could hear us. you fought on for a few more days, but I guess it was about time.

I hope we all have managed to fulfil all your last wishes. but it still hurts, to see you go.

sometimes I'm afraid of travelling alone. I would often stare blankly into space, and memories would just flood back. even if my MP3 player is blasting lively music into my ears, tears would still well up. many times I almost cried on the bus, but I had to hold back the tears. embarrassing, isn't it? I could only cry when it's late at night, when everyone else is sleeping.

Ah Gong, thank you for being my Ah Gong. you were always so supportive of me. you never questioned me of my decision to keep going back to the Philippines, all you said to me was, to take care of myself and be careful.

I gave you an ang bao during this year's Chinese New Year. that was my first, and the last time giving it to you. I want to let you know that your ah-hui has already grown up to become a young adult, facing the challenges of the real world.

I hope you are proud of me.

Ah Gong, there is this song I want to dedicate to you. although you may not understand it, the song truly expresses how I'm really feeling right now. Ah Gong, I miss you.

-your beloved ah-hui

goodbye, ah gong

it has been physically and emotionally draining for the past 2 weeks.

from the day ah gong was hospitalised, we all feared for the worst. seeing him lying there unconscious after the operation, face and body swollen from the operation, with lots of tubes and needles connecting to all the supporting machines, it hurts.

upon receiving a call from my brother, all of us rushed down to the hospital. his heartbeat had slowed down to 48, and the doctors said he had a few hours left. all his children were there, to be with him for his last moments. all of us gathered by his bed side, and he left us at 7am.

they said it was a good sign if a person passes away in the morning, for it would mean that he/she gives the rest of the time to his descendents. ah gong is indeed a good person.

I did not cry. perhaps I was trying to be strong. perhaps reality had not sunk in, yet. he looked so peaceful lying there, as if he was having a good sleep.

we couldn't bring him home the same day. he had to go for an autopsy to verify that it was not due to complications from the operation. walking him to the mortuary was solemn, but seeing him being pushed in, out of your sight, then you realised that he was no longer by your side.

when he came home the next day, he was wearing a suit with a tie. he looked smart. that was my second time seeing him wearing a suit and a tie, the first time was from his wedding photos. the rituals made the reality sink in further, that ah gong had really left us. for the first time, I saw my ah ma cry. after the rituals, my little cousin asked, 'why didn't you cry when everybody else cried?'

I didn't know how to answer, I just told him, 'I am strong. ah gong is in a happy place right now.'

for the next few days, we all stayed by his side, following all the rituals, hoping that he would lead a better life in a better place. some of the rituals were tear-inducing, but i tried holding back the tears. I wanted to be strong, when I saw my mother cry. many people came to offer their last respects to ah gong. ah gong have been blessed to have so many friends and relatives who have respected him as a person, as an elder.

when ah gong was about to leave for cremation, I couldn't hold it any longer. I walked up to him, and I broke down. that was the last time I saw him. it hurts too, to see my mum and aunts cry that hard.

I didn't dare to walk beside my mum, because I wasn't strong enough to give her the support that she needed.

our very last moments with ah gong was heart-wrenching. seeing him being pushed into the raging fire was even more painful than ever.

his body has been reduced to ashes, but many of his bones are still intact. ah gong had a life well-lived, and he also made people around him live well too. ah gong is a good man.

he is now resting peacefully at the columbarium.

I only hope that ah gong is happy, drinking his tea and puffing his cigarettes right now.

I'll miss you, ah gong

ah gong, you've lived well. you have been blessed with whatever you've enjoyed. all your children were by your side, and you look so peaceful. you left with no worries, to a place with no sufferings.

I'll miss you. thank you for being my ah gong.

ah gong, please hang on

ah gong is admitted into hospital again. a major operation.

a bad dream a few nights ago made me fear for the worst. I'm not ready to let go yet, not now, not ever.

ah gong, please hang on.

exams

kid 1 is having his exam from 26 September to 10 October.

kid 2 is having his PSLE from 3 October to 9 October.

kid 3 is having her exam from 22 October to 29 October.

wooh. life is getting a little exciting. arghh.

new toy's first appearance

my new toy made its first official appearance yesterday. it was for work purposes, but playing with the toy added some fun elements to it. it gave my biceps a good workout, although the carrying of chairs and instruments had been a more strenous one.

picked out a few satisfying ones (aside from work-related shots).



I like this one, because you can still see a glimpse of the instrument through the window.



Cola-cola clearly stood out. my anti-depressant. :)



mommy Michelle and baby Gabriel. would have been better if their facial expressions could be captured more clearly.

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ah gong's health is getting better. a good thing. he has been transferred out from the isolation ward. hopefully he can come home soon. somehow it's good, so convenient that I'm working nearby and I can visit him everyday during my lunch hour.

many things have been tiring me out. I do hope all are temporary. I'm strong enough, I hope.

get well soon

get well soon, ah gong. i'm waiting for you to come back to have dinner with me.