a letter to Ah Gong

Dear Ah Gong,

how have you been? have you got to see Lao Ma and Po po? how about your wish of going back to China? have you been there yet? you must be enjoying your self-brewed tea and puffing your cigarettes.

it has been 10 days since you are gone, and everybody is still adjusting to the lives without you. but you are never really gone, you are still in our hearts, in our thoughts. and you do know that.

for the past 23 years, you have been a doting grandfather. I've never really hear a scolding from you. when I was young, I slept at your place every weeknight because mum and dad had to leave house early for work. you were there, sometimes making breakfast for me. and sometimes you liked to poke fun at me, and making farting sounds to make me laugh. many times I've tried imitating you, but it was never a success. and you would laugh back at me.

you like painting and drawing. I enjoyed playing with the ink, and helped you do the mixing whenever you feel like painting. sometimes I would mess up your table, and you had to the one doing the clearing up. nevertheless, you never stopped me from doing that. small little things that would make a kid entertained.

I like wearing your big silver watch. the Ah Gong's watch on my small wrist. it made me feel like I'm an adult.

I used to go to the market with you. while mum was busy tending the stall, you liked to sit near the parked lorries, and chit-chat with all the uncles there, while I was running up and down the lorries, playing with whatever that amused me. you hardly tell me to sit down quietly, you just let me run about, because you knew I will never go out of your sight.

there was once you had to accompany me to school because I had to go early for supplementary lessons. because I didn't know the way well, we alighted a stop earlier. from there we had to walk a long distance to reach the school. the next day, I received a scolding from mum, because the long walk made your feet ache. I was being stubborn, I refused to apologise, but I felt bad for not knowing how to make you feel better. but you just brushed the issue aside.

you used to play your ye hu (coconut-shell erhu) and that two-stringed lute in the afternoons. I would sit beside you, listen to you playing your Teochew music. I could still remember the tunes. perhaps it was your influence, that I've picked up learning the erhu in secondary school. but you've never hear me play that.

as I grew older, the time spent with you, spent in the house, became less. longer school hours, more activities. but whenever there's a family gathering, we would all be there. I know you like big gatherings. I always look forward to your birthday celebration every year, I know you always look forward to that too. you would always move from table to table, asking everybody to 'eat more'.

when you first got hospitalised, I was so scared. suddenly you just seemed to become so frail overnight. the medicine might have caused you to feel drowsy and hallucinate, you started to mumble, and said that you have cooked porridge and asked me to eat. I was so frightened, so afraid that I would lose you any moment.

thank god you were discharged. I had just graduated then, but I wasn't intending to get a job. taking care of you seemed to be the most important thing at that moment. being the one who is the most educated (by far), I had to learn how to use those machines, and be clear of all your medications. you were too weak to get out of the house, so you did not attend my commencement ceremony. I wanted to get you an extra ticket, so that you could be there, be proud of your eldest grandchild.

the doctor advised you to quit smoking. I know it has been hard on you. how to kick a habit that has been with you for 70-odd years? I'm actually proud of you, that you have managed to cut down to a cigarette a day. it takes a lot of willpower to do so, and you are a strong and tough Ah Gong.

when you got hospitalised again a year later, you told me that you knew it was about time. I hate hearing that coming from you. I even told you that you would still have many more years to come, you would have to wait till I get married, till you get to carry your grand-grandchildren. and you even laughed at me for saying that.

Ah Gong, I'm sorry for not being there with you when you were celebrating Mid-Autumn Festival at home. I totally regretted that.

your last stay in the hospital was the last time I saw you suffer. when you laid there unconscious in ICU, it was really painful to see you like that. I know you could hear us. you fought on for a few more days, but I guess it was about time.

I hope we all have managed to fulfil all your last wishes. but it still hurts, to see you go.

sometimes I'm afraid of travelling alone. I would often stare blankly into space, and memories would just flood back. even if my MP3 player is blasting lively music into my ears, tears would still well up. many times I almost cried on the bus, but I had to hold back the tears. embarrassing, isn't it? I could only cry when it's late at night, when everyone else is sleeping.

Ah Gong, thank you for being my Ah Gong. you were always so supportive of me. you never questioned me of my decision to keep going back to the Philippines, all you said to me was, to take care of myself and be careful.

I gave you an ang bao during this year's Chinese New Year. that was my first, and the last time giving it to you. I want to let you know that your ah-hui has already grown up to become a young adult, facing the challenges of the real world.

I hope you are proud of me.

Ah Gong, there is this song I want to dedicate to you. although you may not understand it, the song truly expresses how I'm really feeling right now. Ah Gong, I miss you.

-your beloved ah-hui