goodbye, ah gong

it has been physically and emotionally draining for the past 2 weeks.

from the day ah gong was hospitalised, we all feared for the worst. seeing him lying there unconscious after the operation, face and body swollen from the operation, with lots of tubes and needles connecting to all the supporting machines, it hurts.

upon receiving a call from my brother, all of us rushed down to the hospital. his heartbeat had slowed down to 48, and the doctors said he had a few hours left. all his children were there, to be with him for his last moments. all of us gathered by his bed side, and he left us at 7am.

they said it was a good sign if a person passes away in the morning, for it would mean that he/she gives the rest of the time to his descendents. ah gong is indeed a good person.

I did not cry. perhaps I was trying to be strong. perhaps reality had not sunk in, yet. he looked so peaceful lying there, as if he was having a good sleep.

we couldn't bring him home the same day. he had to go for an autopsy to verify that it was not due to complications from the operation. walking him to the mortuary was solemn, but seeing him being pushed in, out of your sight, then you realised that he was no longer by your side.

when he came home the next day, he was wearing a suit with a tie. he looked smart. that was my second time seeing him wearing a suit and a tie, the first time was from his wedding photos. the rituals made the reality sink in further, that ah gong had really left us. for the first time, I saw my ah ma cry. after the rituals, my little cousin asked, 'why didn't you cry when everybody else cried?'

I didn't know how to answer, I just told him, 'I am strong. ah gong is in a happy place right now.'

for the next few days, we all stayed by his side, following all the rituals, hoping that he would lead a better life in a better place. some of the rituals were tear-inducing, but i tried holding back the tears. I wanted to be strong, when I saw my mother cry. many people came to offer their last respects to ah gong. ah gong have been blessed to have so many friends and relatives who have respected him as a person, as an elder.

when ah gong was about to leave for cremation, I couldn't hold it any longer. I walked up to him, and I broke down. that was the last time I saw him. it hurts too, to see my mum and aunts cry that hard.

I didn't dare to walk beside my mum, because I wasn't strong enough to give her the support that she needed.

our very last moments with ah gong was heart-wrenching. seeing him being pushed into the raging fire was even more painful than ever.

his body has been reduced to ashes, but many of his bones are still intact. ah gong had a life well-lived, and he also made people around him live well too. ah gong is a good man.

he is now resting peacefully at the columbarium.

I only hope that ah gong is happy, drinking his tea and puffing his cigarettes right now.